How it must be
by Agatha00
Summary: Oneshot about the Dowager and her life. Spoiler for the movie!


It was time. She knew it. The doctor's examination only confirmed what she already knew. Her time has come, at last. There were only months between her and the unknowing darkness that awaited everyone, one by one. It was time for her to step into it, to join Patrick, to join Sybil and Mathew and everyone else she loved that the darkness took away from her. She didn't fear it, for she was expecting the darkness for some time now. But there was still the feeling of uneasiness taking over her soul every time her mind flinched to the image of a black, empty space. There was still the will to live in her now old bones. There was still the regret of sending him away, not taking that one last chance they had.

"_We've lost any chance we had behind us many years ago_" her own words came back to her. The words she spoke, not realizing how not right they were. Not realizing how wrong she'd been. Her pride didn't let her have him in her life again, her pride didn't let her step over the princess and take him for herself. Oh, her pride. Her mother thought her that she must have pride, but it was the pride that messed her life up.

She was only an innocent girl when she married Patrick, an innocent girl that didn't really know what else life could offer to her. She did love him, and he did love her back, they really were happy, but she didn't love him as much as she loved _Igor_, they never were as happy as she and Igor were during those few weeks in the cold Russian winter.

Patrick was a good husband, just not good enough for her, nor she for him when she thought of it. They both had searched for another kind of happiness elsewhere and it was all fine, until she actually fell in love with the prince. They weren't supposed to fall for the people they were seeing aside from their marriage. But she did. Once she did, there was no going back, the pain was inevitable. So inevitable that she decided to avoid it, she decided to go and be with him, run away if that was the price for avoiding it.

In the end of course, the pain came anyways. They were stopped before they could escape and after that, she felt it. Her heart broke, shattered in small pieces and no one could heal it. Not even Patrick.

Afterwards, she realized how lucky she was because of the pain. The pain of a broken heart was a great one, but was it greater than the pain of losing her children? Was it greater than the pain she would have felt in Paris, away from Robert and Rosamund, away from home. Besides, she was lucky to have known that pain, for not many people have, to know that love, for only a few have known it.

The heart didn't heal completely, it never could have. But Robert and Rosamund helped her live with it and still be happy. With her family, she found out how to manage the pain. The love, the joy she had because of her children, than her grandchildren and even her great-grandchildren made the pain smaller.

Nonetheless, it was still there. It was a part of her and it was never greater than it was when he came back in her life. When he left once again. He said they had another chance, but she couldn't. She couldn't just do that without thinking about Irina when she owed her life to her. Almost nothing would have been how it was if it wasn't for the princess. Her life continued the way it did because of her, so that was not an option.

"_It's how it must be_" she said then. She even meant it.

She may have made many mistakes in her life, some bigger than others, but that was not a mistake. It was as she said to him, how it must be. Their love was something that shouldn't have been, a beautiful flower that everyone appreciated and admired, but nobody wanted to have in their garden. A beautiful thing that ended too soon.

Now in these moments, when she was about to die, she thought about it, about him. She really was happy because it happened, she went through so much in her life and she loved that their love was a part of it.

She stood up and went to her writing desk, lowering herself into the familiar chair. She took a piece of paper and scribbled a few words on it. Then she put it into an envelope and left it on the desk.

In a few days time, people were gathering in the church for a funeral. Mr. Travis had the task to deliver some words about her. "The Dowager countess of Grantham," he said. "Lady Violet Crawley lived a long, happy life, a life full of love, joy and happiness. And now let us hope that she enjoys a peaceful death." He raised the silver goblet he had on the table beside him. "To Lady Grantham."

"Lady Grantham" the church echoed.

...

Meanwhile in Paris, Prince Igor Kuragin was sitting on a bed in his rather empty room. He was holding a piece of paper in his hand and tears were falling from his dark eyes. He wiped the tears away with a handkerchief he had in his pocket and laid the letter on the bed. The letter was a short one, but meant a lot. The words were simple, but very heavy:

"_The end is near,_

_I still don't know if you understood what I meant on our last meeting, but I really hope you did. I too loved you more than I loved my husband, still do. It just wasn't enough, it never was. I want you to know that I don't regret anything and now that everything will be over soon, I want you to know that everything is how it must be._

_Always yours, Violet"_

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A/N: Hey guys this is my first fanfiction, I really hope you like it and please leave some reviews. Thank you so much 3


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